June 10, 2000 7pm
Not feeling so well today- slight
irritation in throat and lungs (started in throat yesterday), perhaps an
infection. Very hot, probably 85 degrees or hotter outside, and that’s
slowing me down tremendously. Played a few poker sessions on PP, lost
all. 2 jackpots on GG, lost both. Server tortuously slow when full,
must avoid GG altogether in the future - just waiting for ----- to pay up the
$190 he owes then cash out of there.
Set up my nasty old AT&T “Personal
Information Center” phone - batteries corroding the inside - just to be able to
use this class action 40-minute settlement from Sprint and the 120 mins to
Germany I recently got from Priceline.com. Enjoying a Ricard, which is
picking up my spirits significantly. The aroma of so many afternoons in
Europe, especially France, is, I hope, permanently encoded in my being in such
a way as to afford a mild dose of medicinal relaxation for many years to come,
particularly in the hot summer months. I dumped a number of items into
-----’s Palm IIIc, including -------, which I had to pay for before
downloading, but seems not to have any restriction on the number of devices it
gets installed into. Thus i might be able to HotSync it into -----’s
device too. I wonder whatever happened to -----, whose Palm VII still
rests unused atop a row of cardboard organizers left over from Germany? I
was supposed to reprogram his sports betting basic programs for the new
device... I did handily use it on my Stuttgart trip as an emergency Phone
book backup.... must remember to delete all my entries from it before returning
it to its owner.
I was shocked to weigh myself in at 186 this morning, since I had eaten (so I thought) little and urinated profusely before the weighing. Poor sleep causes weight gain? I was so tired when I arrived home last night that I couldn’t even make it past the living room couch - just fell there, felt comfortable, and fell fast asleep very soon. I awoke around 9 am, which is the new usual.
Back to the phenomenon of LOSING. I have been experiencing improved non-attachment to short-term results, as marked by the gigantic loss to -----, which has barely bruised my spirits. Today the losses were a bit frustrating and yes, a bit saddening to me, but this effect dispersed rapidly. Quitting in a moment of emotional affectation must be absolutely key to success. I find myself accepting those things I cannot control more and more. Yet my appetite for gambling decreases with losses. Were I not very sure I could recover from my hole of debt just a little quicker by playing backgammon more often, I would do away with it altogether.
There must be a place in this world for me. I have found many places that were accepting of my person, but none yet which seemed quite right. The pull back into computers is inevitable, and indeed I seem made for programming, but where to insert myself? Should I just close my eyes and form a little company and crank out miniature applications for the Palm and Pocket PC and, who knows? maybe Mac and Windows apps too? I just can’t imagine myself being very happy in a cubicle somewhere.
While urinating about an hour ago
the instructions seemed clear: 1) take care of your mind and your body;
2) do what you really enjoy in order to excel; 3) do as little harm as possible
(ahimsa), and when this is perfected, do good; 4) do not worry,
have faith in this, and all will be well and as it should be.