7/27/00 5:17 AM
Dinner tomorrow night; about
time. I'm still in that early-in-the-relationship phase funk where I
don't have all the visuals locked in; I can't quite construct her face in my
mind's eye. I've been here before. Our conversations seem to repeat
themselves indefinitely; how wonderful this is; how new this is; how
comfortable; how much we want to see each other; sometimes just saying stuff
like that over and over and not being able to satisfy the yearning by coming
together physically is irritating. Big long weekend. Somehow I'm
uneasy about tomorrow and Friday, but believe everything will be groovy
starting Saturday. I must feel a bit threatened by the dance thing.
Hmm. What's up there, Chasterus? Don't want to dance? Don't
want to give in to something of hers? Wouldn't it be fun to dance with
her, to get back into that scene again? Are you afraid she'll swallow you
whole? Afraid this will get boring? Sexually frustrated? Last
few communications have felt forced, but not terribly so. Too confusing,
all this. I need relief. I think of her still every minute or so,
but it's almost oppressive. Her face.... where is it up in here, my
memory? The very act of recalling memories must itself change them.
Freshest ones seem to be more vulnerable to this distortion. In time a
"memory" may be a sufficiently similar construct of the imagination
created through numerous recall/read/store functions. [yes, but why do I dread
tomorrow night? built-in loathing of having to leave for work?
MAYBE i'll luck out and the place'll close around nine, then i can go home with
----- and get schmoopy].
Club has been way dead. Funny,
Monte Carlo didn't kill the action, but now it's like 2 hrs a night if I'm
lucky. Good thing more "for sure" hours are coming my way.
I was playing poker (good run
tonight till the end at one table) and in the background organizing my email
files, adding the mails in the "sent" folder to the folders of the
recipients in order to keep both directions of personal and business
correspondence in one place. I was astonished at how much I've written
this month. A lot of words. I might become a writer someday; it's
good to get all this training. ----- was complementing my writing style
the other day, saying it was very visual; complex pictures emerged from
it. Maybe it's her liking me so much that freaks me out. Could she
really see all those great things in me? Hey, Chasterus, I thought you
weren't so down on yourself these days. Weren't you explaining how you
feel good about yourself now? Huh? Yes, but... yes, but.... yes,
but.... go to sleep you fool, and calm that mind of yours down. She loves
you to pieces, she just doesn't think she can say it yet to your face. OK
a little more reading and then off to bed - the dawn is approaching. The
rain continues. Tomorrow is another day. sleep in a late as you
like, Chasterus, you deserve it. Thanks, Chasterus, you're a pal.