5/27/00 2:20 am
so much for that Palm shit - do we not
have other things to talk about here? which points am i evading? what
tangents are left untaken? how many pounds to an inch? why?
why? why? why?
something doesn't feel right. -----'s party was nice but just a little too sparsely populated. I meet girls but have not the desire or nerve or inclination or guts or whatever it is to venture forth, as it were. took a taxi here, to my neighborhood bar far far from home. lugging around my backgammon board makes me rather hesitant to take any long walks for fear both of burglary and aching shoulders.... the brass cube weighs a ton. back to girls. I feel like I want one, but I want nothing more than to be free of wanting one, if that's an understandable thing. desire is my enemy. I would rather spend six hours a day meditating.... so why don't I do so? because I'm afraid that's just another form of escapism? that must certainly play a role. just when I like to think I'm starting to have something like a social life I am taken by fantasies of total withdrawal from the social sphere, into the depths of my own mind, soul, psyche. It all smacks of cop-out. I am truly torn. Just last week life seemed infinitely simpler - just do what I was doing forever and life would be groovy. I feel like I have lost the foundation of goodness I only recently sat so firmly upon. I have gained weight. I have not kept strictly to the diet. I have been drinking beer too often. I have not been walking as often as I could. My mind seems far too often preoccupied with morbid, angry, violent thoughts. I have lost many thousands of dollars (not at all my fault; not sure why this is listed here - an ego jab?). humility is lacking. generosity is lacking. folly is abundant. indulgence is abundant. sharpness of being is lacking. awareness is lacking. understanding is lacking. forgiveness is lacking. selfishness is abundant.
is it possible to love someone without touching them? without subjecting them to the flames?
i desire things to eat; things not
allowed on my diet. [here ends this entry- i went out to get something to
eat; turns out i hadn't eaten since breakfast. it was the falafel
restaurant on Ave. A by 5th St. - gyro platter came with meat, abundant rice,
bread, humus and salad with tahini and hot sauce. perfect.]